Going out tonight
by shayster
Summary: The FF7 gang are going out to Tifa's rebuilt 7th heaven bar! What's the worst that could happen?


Wow! Another humor fic by shayster! (not) Anyways Boring Day hardly has any reviews yet and I hope this is a better humor fic for everyone! Please R&R. Also slight Aeris bashing in this so Aeris fans, I suggest you don't read unless you want to.  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of Final Fantasy 7's places, characters, vehicles, ect. Squaresoft owns it all. I also don't own the song 'Material Girl'.  
  
The whole FF7 group were at Kalm and insisted that they went out somewhere tonight.  
  
Tifa: We are going to my 7th heaven bar tonight whether you like it or not, everyone! (Tifa's bar was rebuilt back in Kalm)  
  
Yuffie: Why?  
  
Tifa: Because it's closest to where were at!  
  
Yuffie: Oh.  
  
Cloud: Umm, Yuffie, since the war with Sephiroth is over and we gave you the buggy, since Cid has the Highwind, well can we borrow it because 7th heaven is on the other side of Kalm and we don't need the Highwind to get there?  
  
Yuffie: Okay.  
  
Cloud: Thanks.  
  
Yuffie: But I'm driving!!!! *grins*  
  
Everyone but Yuffie: *groan* Oh, no.  
  
Red XIII: Why don't we just walk, it's good excersize.  
  
Everyone but Red: No!  
  
Red XIII: *shrugs* Just a suggestion.  
  
Yuffie: *hops in buggy and starts the engine* C'mon guys!  
  
Everyone hops in the buggy. Everyone is in the backseat except for Vincent and Yuffie, there up front, duh!  
  
Red XIII: It's kinda crowded in here!  
  
Yuffie: Ah, shut up, it aint that bad!  
  
Tifa, Cloud, and Aeris are all balled up on one side of the back seat.  
  
Aeris: *tries to move in for a kiss to Cloud*  
  
Cloud: *somehow backs up* Ewww Aeris has cooties!  
  
Aeris: *cries* Whaaa!  
  
Tifa: *moves in to kiss Cloud*  
  
Cloud: *holds still and lets Tifa kiss him*  
  
Aeris: !!! Cloud! I thought you said you don't like cooties!  
  
Cloud: Tifa dosn't have cooties, only you do.  
  
Cid: Oooh, Cloud, that was bold!  
  
Yuffie: *shouting* Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!  
  
Everyone: *Looks at Yuffie like she's crazy.*  
  
Yuffie: *shrugs* What?  
  
Vincent: This is not the Jerry Springer show, Yuffie.  
  
Yuffie: Whatever! Let's just go! *Switches the gears into drive and floors it*  
  
Vincent: Whoa! Yuffie slow down!  
  
Yuffie: *going 105 mph* No!  
  
Aeris: I hate you Cloud!  
  
Cloud: Good.  
  
Yuffie: Jerry! Jerry! Je--  
  
Barret: This is not Jerry Springer!  
  
Yuffie: Okay, okay, sorry. Well we're almost there!  
  
Everyone: Good!  
  
Yuffie: *Slams on the brakes and buggy slides around*  
  
Red XIII: Hang on everyone!  
  
The buggy stops sliding and finally comes to a halt.  
  
Yuffie&Vincent: *get out and open the doors for everyone else*  
  
Everyone comes tumbling out onto the pavement.  
  
Everyone but Vincent and Yuffie: OWWW!!! * they get up*  
  
Cid: Finally that damn ride is over!  
  
Barret: Hell yeah, I thought I was going to throw up!  
  
Everyone but Cloud: *walks into the bar*  
  
Cloud: *looks all around him to make sure no ones looking.* Good. *Makes out with himself.*  
  
Tifa: *comes outside* Come on Cloud! Get in here and stop making out with yourself!  
  
Cloud: *embarrased* Sorry. *walks into the bar*  
  
Yuffie: Can we have Kareoke tonight?  
  
Tifa: Sure, there is a mic. on the stage.  
  
Yuffie: Yes!  
  
Cid: Tifa, gimmie 2 beers.  
  
Tifa: *makes 2 beers and passes them down to Cid.*  
  
Vincent and Yuffie go over to a table and sit down.  
  
Yuffie: Hey Vinnie, should I sing now?  
  
Vincent: I don't care.  
  
Yuffie: Okay then I'll do it now! *walks up to stage and grabs the microphone*  
  
Tifa: *cheering* Go Yuffie! Go Yuffie! It's your birthday, it's your birthday!  
  
Cloud: It is? I didn't know her birthday was today!  
  
Cait Sith: What a dumbass.  
  
Yuffie starts singing her version of Material Girl by Madonna, only Yuffie's vesion is called Materia Girl though.  
  
Red XIII: *yelling over the music* Yuffie isn't a very good singer! My ears hurt!  
  
Barret, Cait Sith, and Cid: We know!  
  
Yuffie: *finishes her song and walks off stage to the counter* Gimmie 8 martinis.  
  
Tifa: Okay, here you go. *gives drinks to her*  
  
Yuffie: *Gulps them all down quickly* Yum! Gimmie some booze. About 7.  
  
Tifa: *gives drinks to Yuffie* Can you handle all of that?  
  
Yuffie: Ya! *gulps them all down*  
  
Tifa: o__O damn!  
  
Yuffie: *collapses*  
  
Vincent: *runs over to Yuffie, picks her up and takes her to the table they  
  
were sitting at before and sets her down in her seat.*  
  
Yuffie: Wow, pretty colors!  
  
Vincent: *sigh*  
  
Yuffie: *looks at napkin holder* I'm hungry...  
  
Vincent: *Watches Barret and Cid get drunk*  
  
Yuffie: *pulls out 4 napkins and takes a bite of one* Mmmm!  
  
Vincent: *looks at Yuffie* Ummm, you shouldn't be eating those.  
  
Yuffie: Why?  
  
Vincent: Because they are napkins.  
  
Yuffie: And...?  
  
Vincent: Ah, nevermind!  
  
Yuffie: Okay. *Eats more napkins* Yummy!  
  
Aeris: I don't like to drink, I'm leaving! *leaves*  
  
Tifa: What a bitch.  
  
Cloud: Tifa, give me 20 beers.  
  
Tifa: Here *passes drinks*  
  
Cloud: Thanks! *gulps down*  
  
Tifa: Why are you drinking so much like Yuffie?  
  
Cloud: Cuz when I get drunk, I'll think napkins taste good too!  
  
Tifa: *sweatdrop* o....k.....  
  
Cloud: Those beers are starting to hit me now! *collapses then gets up*  
  
Cait Sith: I am a robot and I can't drink...this sucks!  
  
Cloud: *drunk* Napkins! *goes over to Yuffie* gimmie the napkins and no one gets hurt!  
  
Yuffie: *drunk* NO! *bites Cloud's hand*  
  
Cloud: OWWWW!! *runs away*  
  
Yuffie: heh heh heh, no one will get my napkins!  
  
Vincent: *pats Yuffie on the back* It's okay, it's okay.  
  
Cid: *drunk* Shit! *falls out of chair* Double shit!  
  
Barret: *drunk* Ha ha, you shit face.  
  
Cid: What?  
  
Barret: Nothin'!  
  
Yuffie: Too many napkins...*BURP!*  
  
Vincent: *shakes head* Tsk tsk.  
  
Tifa: *crouches down behind the bar* hehehehe *Gulps down 11 beers*  
  
Cloud: *drunk* *grabs wooden coat/hat hanger* Oh Tifa, I love you. *twirls coat hanger*  
  
Tifa: *drunk* *grabs beer glass* Oh Cloud, you are so light, did you loose weight? Well, I love you. *twirls beer glass*  
  
Cloud and Tifa go onto the dance floor and Tifa dances with the beer glass so called 'Cloud' and Cloud dances with the coat hanger so called 'Tifa'.  
  
Vincent: *looks at Cloud and Tifa* Look at how drunk those two are, I mean, they both think that they are dancing with each other instead of lifeless objects.  
  
Red XIII: Ya, I know *sips on a beer with a straw*  
  
Vincent: *Looks at Red* I didn't know you drank!  
  
Red XIII: Sometimes I do...  
  
Cloud: *still dancing with coat hanger* Wow Tifa! You are a great dancer!  
  
Tifa: *still dancing with beer glass* Ya, I know.  
  
Yuffie: Brown.  
  
Vincent: ?  
  
Yuffie: Brown.  
  
Vincent: Are you okay, Yuffie?  
  
Yuffie: Brown.  
  
Vincent: Stop saying brown!  
  
Yuffie: Brown.  
  
Red XIII: Shut up!  
  
Yuffie: Green.  
  
Vincent: O...k..... whatever.  
  
Yuffie: Girl Scout cookies!  
  
Red XIII: I love girl scout cookies! Mmmmm!  
  
Vincent: Are you drunk Red?  
  
Red XIII: *drools*  
  
Vincent: I take that as a 'yes'.  
  
Cloud: *kisses coat hanger* I love you Tifa.  
  
Tifa: *tries to keep her ballance from being drunk, but falls* *The beer glass flys out of her hand and breaks on the ground about 3 feet away* !!!! CLOUD! *Runs over to broken beer glass* *yells* Cloud is broken! *cries*  
  
Vincent: *walks over to Tifa* It's a beer glass not Cloud. *grabs Cloud* This is the REAL Cloud.  
  
Tifa: *Looks up at the 'real' Cloud.* That's not Cloud, that's a giant beer glass.  
  
Cloud: Yeah, and that's not Tifa, that's a coat hanger.  
  
Vincent: *slaps forehead*  
  
Yuffie: *mimics what Vincent did; slaps forehead* This is fun! *slaps forehead 5 times until she knocked herself out.*  
  
Vincent: *shakes Yuffie* Wake up, Yuffie!  
  
Yuffie: *eyes shoot open* Brown!  
  
Vincent: Oh no.  
  
Yuffie: Brown.  
  
Vincent: Stop.  
  
Yuffie: Brown.  
  
Vincent: *sigh* Okay Yuffie, what is brown?  
  
Yuffie: Poop.  
  
All but Vincent: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!  
  
Vincent: I hate it when she is drunk...  
  
Cid: *still drunk* Cloud and Tifa sittin' in a tree, F-*-%-$-I-N-G. First comes sex then more f&*#ing, then comes Cloud with 20 baby carriges. HAHAHA!  
  
Cloud&Tifa: *dazed* Wha--?  
  
Vincent: I guess me and Cait Sith are the only ones who are not drunk, so I guess I'll drive us back out to the Highwind.  
  
Cait Sith: No I will!  
  
Vincent: Shut up cat! I am!  
  
Cait Sith: Me!  
  
Vincent: Me!  
  
Cait Sith: Me!  
  
Vincent: Me!  
  
Cait Sith: You!  
  
Vincent: Yes, thank you.  
  
Cait Sith: Whaa-? That trick works on everyone!  
  
Vincent: Not me.  
  
Yuffie: I wanna pony!  
  
Vincent: *picks up Yuffie and puts her in the front seat of the buggy*  
  
Cloud: *slurring* Let's go home Tifa. *Picks Tifa up and tries to walk straight, but drops Tifa* !!! Oops!  
  
Tifa: *THOOMP!* OWW!  
  
Cloud: Sorry.  
  
Tifa: Pick me up!  
  
Cloud: Okay. *picks Tifa up and walks slower*  
  
Tifa: If you drop me again, I'll use Final Heaven on you.  
  
Cloud: *nervous laugh* hehehe I won't! *carries Tifa to the buggy and puts her in*  
  
Red XIII: *talking to Cid and Barret* C'mon guys, let's go home.  
  
Cid: My legs are too weak to get up! Wait, I know! *Jumps on Red* *singing* Take me out to the ball game!  
  
Red XIII: I'm glad you don't weigh much, Cid, I can carry you out to the buggy.  
  
Barret: *jumps on Red's back, too*  
  
Cid: Getty up! *slaps Red's hind leg*  
  
Red XIII: *struggling to hold them both* Ummm, guys I don't think I can hold yo--- *collapses* Oww.  
  
Barret: Look Cid, it died. *points at Red*  
  
Barret: Well I'm goin' to the buggy. *walks outside and hops in the buggy*  
  
Red XIII: I'm free! Cid, I'll take you, but you AND Barret, no.  
  
Cid: Then getty up! *slaps Red's hind leg again*  
  
Red: *runs out the door to the buggy*  
  
Cid: *Get's off Red's back and gets in the buggy*  
  
Red XIII: *gets in as well*  
  
Vincent: C'mon Cait!  
  
Cait Sith: *bounces out the bar and into the buggy*  
  
Vincent: *gets in driver's seat and starts the buggy*  
  
Yuffie: VROOM! VRRRROOOOOOM!  
  
Vincent: *Puts the gears in drive and starts driving*  
  
Yuffie: I can see pretty cows and tigers in the sky, they are on fire and they can fly.  
  
Cloud: Me too!  
  
Vincent: *going 30 mph* This is the speed limit, right?  
  
Yuffie: Uh, no! Slow poke! *slams foot on gas pedel*  
  
The buggy is going 120 mph.  
  
Vincent: Yuffie, No!  
  
Yuffie: Yee haw!  
  
Vincent: *gently kicks Yuffie's foot away from the gas pedel and hits the brakes until he comes to 30 mph again* Whoa Yuffie, don't do that any more.  
  
Yuffie: *holds up her Conformer* All......  
  
Vincent: ? Are you doing what I think you are?  
  
Yuffie: Creation! *A huge blue, purple, green, and white light beam shoots out of the Conformer* *the beam hits a tree nerby and destroys it.*  
  
Everyone but Yuffie: !!!  
  
Vincent: And why did you do that?  
  
Yuffie: So I could see all the pretty colors!  
  
Everyone but Yuffie: *sweat drop*  
  
Cloud: Do it again! Do it again!  
  
Yuffie: Okay! *holds up Conformer* All Creation! *Another huge beam of light shoots out and hits another tree*  
  
Cloud: Again! Again!  
  
Yuffie: Okay! All...  
  
Vincent: NO!  
  
Yuffie: Creation! *the beam hits another tree*  
  
Cloud: Again!  
  
Vincent: *elbows Cloud in the face* No!  
  
Yuffie: All....  
  
Vincent: NOOOO!  
  
Yuffie: Right.  
  
Vincent: ?  
  
Yuffie: I said all right.  
  
Vincent: Oh. Well anyway we're almost to the Highwind.  
  
Vincent drives the buggy up to the Highwind and parks. They all get out.  
  
Cloud: So guys, what should we do tomorrow?  
  
Tifa: Go to the bar, my bar!  
  
Everyone: Okay!  
  
  
  
THE END  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Was it funny? Was it lame? Please tell me what you thought about it and well, please no flames. Aeris fans, if you read this and hate what I did to Aeris, then please no flames. If I write another humor fic, I'll be nice to Aeris, Ok? Thanks for reading! Please R&R. 


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